A letter for any teenager who feels lonely…

It’s a Sunday evening, and I’m reminiscing about being a teenager at school. I’m feeling reflective and a little sad when I think about how lonely I felt at that time in my life, how abnormal I felt. I feel like I’ve gone back in time; I’ve holed myself up in my room, switched on my headphones and am playing melancholic tunes to reflect my mood (Nick Mulvey, in case anyone is interested…)

I wanted to write to any lonely teenager who feels confused, sad, scared or angry just by existing. You aren’t alone. You might think you’re the only person in your school, nay, the WORLD, who feels like they don’t belong. You might have no idea who you are yet.

Spoiler alert: no-one knows what the hell they’re doing. When I was at school I felt like everyone else had their shit together; I thought I was the only one who got nervous around boys, who felt like a bit of a freak, who felt self-conscious, unsure and under-confident. The truth is, everyone is going through the same thing you are. Some people are really good at hiding it, but take heart in knowing that you aren’t the only own with insecurities.

With that in mind, consider those kids at school who are mean, who tease others, who bully, who spread rumours…. come on, there’s always a few, right? It’s easy to hate those people. It’s also easy to believe them when they tell you you’re a loser, that you’re ugly, or whatever it is they’re saying. I’m here to tell you that those kids are the ones struggling the most. Yes, seriously. I’ll repeat it. People who are mean to other people are the ones who are struggling with their own conflict the most. That’s why they’re cruel to others – to make themselves feel better. I’m not saying that it’s easier to handle those mean comments, but it’s never ever about you, or your worth as a person. It’s all them, and you don’t need to internalise all those hateful things they say. You can feel sorry for them; if it felt right, you could even reach out and help them. It’s possible they’re going through something a lot worse than you think.

Finally, know that things get better. You might feel that you haven’t found anyone else who’s like you, who understands what you’re going through. Being at school seems like it’s your whole world at the moment – because it is! But once you leave school and go on to wherever life takes you, you will meet so many more people, and you will find someone, or many people, who understand you and who you can talk to. You will find your tribe. And when you do, you will be so happy and you will feel so much more thankful for it, because you’ll finally feel like you belong somewhere after all that heartache and loneliness.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Share how you feel with someone you trust. Or if that’s too much, share it anonymously with me.

Sending love to all the teenagers out there – you are warriors.

C x

When ‘personal development’ becomes an obsession…

For a long time, I have been fascinated with personal development. Whether it’s reading self-help books, or motivational autobiographies, through to trying out the latest ‘self-care’ or ‘personal development’ fad, I’m there at the forefront of all the trends. To date, I have dabbled in daily meditation through Headspace, The Miracle Morning, Marie Kondo’s tidying tools, affirmations and visualisation, not to mention others. I have regularly started up new hobbies (netball, choir, volleyball, triathlons, half marathons, Spanish) and taken courses (yoga teacher training, a Masters in Sport and Exercise Psychology), all in the name of challenging myself, getting out of my comfort zone and developing myself personally.

To my family and friends (indeed, to the outside world in general), I look like a driven ambitious, confident woman who isn’t afraid to push beyond her limits. And don’t get me wrong, I really like that I want to do these things!

But if you look at the real story, it isn’t that pretty. It involves me starting big and difficult tasks, only to give up in despair. It means me taking too much on that I have no time for myself and eventually have to cancel something. You can find me berating myself, saying to myself ‘why are you so lazy that you can’t stick at anything? Why do you always quit things?’

Things are going pretty well for me at the moment, personal development-wise. I have a job where I’m pushing myself regularly and learning new skills. I teach yoga part-time. I have a blog where I’m posting new content regularly and developing my writing skills. I’m exercising regularly and setting new goals for myself. And yet, every now and then I find myself in an existential crisis where I say ‘This isn’t enough! You must do more! You’re only teaching yoga four times a week? That’s nothing – take on another one! And why aren’t you volunteering with a charity? How are you even contributing to the world? How are you even furthering yourself?’

I sort of came to the conclusion that the problem wasn’t how many things I was taking on, how much I’m furthering myself, how much good I’m doing for others and the world. I realised that my obsession with personal development came from never feeling like I was good enough. I realised that I could take on all of the things and run myself in to the ground and achieve achieve achieve, but I would still have that little voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough just as I am.

That’s the balance that I – and all of us – need to strike. It’s really really good to push ourselves, to set goals and to do good for others. But when this comes from a place of inadequacy rather than an appreciation and love for ourselves, a capacity to say ‘no’ when we’re feeling overwhelmed, and the ability to feel proud of ourselves, it’s all for nothing.

I think a couple of things contribute to this. The first is social media. We can scroll through our newsfeed and find a handful of our friends who are pushing and challenging themselves in different ways, and we feel guilty for not doing that too. It’s important to remember that everyone is at a different stage in their journey and has different priorities. Also, there are a million and one different things we could to to develop ourselves; we can’t do them all! And the second is, for me, living in London. I am surrounded by people who do not stop, who pride themselves in moving and achieving constantly. It’s a lot of pressure not to feel lazy when you want a relaxed Sunday afternoon, when you know that there will be other people moving seamlessly with the fast-paced lifestyle that London demands of us. I think that this pressure to be ‘doing’ all the time can be really detrimental to our self-esteem and our mental health. I think of my parents, or indeed any of my friends who don’t live in London, and they don’t have this same affliction. I try to remind myself that living a fast-paced lifestyle is fun and awesome, but not sustainable, and that it’s important to kick back and be in the here and now regularly.

I’m taking slow and deliberate steps to be happy and thankful for who I am right now, and proud of myself for the things I achieve. I have cut down my time teaching yoga to 2 classes a week rather than 4. I make sure to only say ‘yes’ to the things I really want to do, and to tune in and listen to whether it’s coming from a place of fear, or love. When I find myself feeling inadequate, feeling like I should be doing more, I make a promise to myself not to schedule more things for myself until the feeling has passed and I can think rationally. Making a list of all the things I’ve accomplished in the past couple of months helps too.

I hope that I – and you – can strike a good balance between pushing ourselves and loving ourselves.

Do you have this problem as well? What do you find works for you? What is this obsession we have with ‘achieving’ all the time anyway?

C x

My Journey with Acne

I have had issues with my skin for as long as I can remember. The first memory I have of it was when I was in Year 6, and my teacher asked me and my group of friends ‘who here is getting older?’ All our hands shot up. Then he asked ‘who here has got stuff on their face that shows they’re getting older?’ I don’t remember feeling embarrassed about this at all, and once again my hand went up. He said ‘that’s right Charlotte – you’ve got spots!’

Looking back…. tactless! But at the time it didn’t bother me – I hadn’t internalised my acne to be something that made me ugly.

As time went on, my spots got worse and I was teased about it by other kids at school. I was never much of a make-up wearer (and I’m still not), but I would cake my face in foundation every morning, and take one of those concealer sticks to school so I could touch up my face in the bathroom. I was so self-conscious of my skin that I wouldn’t be able to look people in the eye. I would dread sleepovers because I’d have to take off my make-up before bed. I also had terrible spots on my chest, neck and back, so when summer came I wouldn’t wear strappy tops when hanging out with my friends because I was so embarrassed.

When I was about 14 or 15, I decided to try antibiotics for my skin. As far as I can remember, they really didn’t make much of a difference. I became really really strict with my diet – making sure I ate no sugar, drank no alcohol, ate 5 portions of fruit and veg a day, and drank 2 litres of water a day. This became quite obsessive and was something I let control my life for a long time.

When I was 15, I went on the contraceptive pill – oh man, what a treat! I don’t remember much of a difference in my skin, but I gained a lot of weight and became very depressed, so I stopped taking them.

Since then, I’ve been on all kinds of antibiotics and topical creams. My chest and back was relatively spot-free most of the time, but I would have terrible itchy, pus-filled spots on my jawline and my neck that just wouldn’t go away.

In 2016 (when I was 24), I decided to go on Roaccutane. For those who don’t know, Roaccutane is a very strong antibiotic that completely dries out your skin. It can also have devastating effects if you become pregnant while you’re taking it, so I had to go on birth control and take monthly blood tests and pregnancy tests.

The side effects I had when I was on Roaccutane included:

Awful dry, cracked lips
Muscle soreness
Fatigue
Depression

I had to come off Roaccutane early because of the strong side-effects. Nonetheless…. the antibiotics worked! The summer of 2016 was the best my skin has been since I was 10 years old, and I finally felt confident to leave the house without make-up, to look people in the eye, and I firmly believe that my new-found confidence was what was attractive to my boyfriend (who I met in 2016).

Fast-forward 2 years, and in 2018 my skin was bad again. I would get cysts that wouldn’t come to a head on my cheeks, and the itchy acne on my jawline and neck was back with a vengeance. I felt so upset about this – I thought that after the Roaccutane, my skin was cured!

A couple of months ago, I went to a dermatologist to see what else could be done. She recommended that I cut out dairy completely, and next week I’m due to start a treatment called KLERESCA – a special gel applied to the face, and then put under an LED light. Since November, I’ve done my best to cut out dairy, although I saw no results even after 6 weeks of this. I went on holiday to South Africa in January, during which time I was more relaxed about my diet (skin was terrible over the holiday just FYI!), and then when I got back I decided to cut out alcohol for a month. The combination of no dairy and no alcohol has now made the world of difference – I still have acne, but no more painful spots that won’t go away. Result!

The other change I’ve made is to take my Mirena coil out – the Mirena coil contains progestin, which I’ve heard can make your skin worse. It’s only been a week, so we’ll see how this goes as well.

To anyone who has acne and is struggling with this, I have some advice for you:

Know that it’s not your fault. Most of the people I know who have acne are actually the most careful and diligent with their skin, and most of the time our acne is down to genetics, not anything that we’re doing wrong. Know that it’s not something you can completely control.
I know the feeling of not being able to look people in the eye when you have bad skin. But I also know that other people don’t notice the state of your skin anywhere near as much as you do. Ultimately, we all think about ourselves more than we do anyone else, and so take heart that the thoughts you have in your head are way more judgemental than anything that anyone else is thinking.
Confidence is the most attractive thing in the world. I know many people who have acne, who have a happy disposition and tons of confidence, and this is what makes someone beautiful – their heart and soul, not their skin. I truly believe that my shyness and inability to look people in the eye was the thing that made me feel lonely and isolated more than people judging me about my skin. Smiling and looking people in the eye, although really difficult, is a starting point to gaining more confidence and realising that your skin doesn’t have to rule your life.

My journey with my skin isn’t over, but I hope that by sharing this, other people can feel like they’re not alone. My hope is that, one day, we can experience a ‘skin-positivity’ movement – where people can post selfies online make-up free and talk freely about their skin issues without feeling embarrassed or self conscious. So let me be the one to set a good example:

Do you have issues with your self-esteem because of your skin? How do you deal with it?

What treatments have you used? What worked for you?

C x